R.I.P… Dad, I Love You No Matter What.
Here is one of the few photographs I have of my father holding me as a baby
Someone once said “You’re just like your father, you’re a peacock! Like Hey I’m Here!!! You’re like that and he was just like that. Just so eccentric and wild.”
I’m not sure, well, I know it wasn’t said with great intentions, but I took it as one.
I’d rather be a peacock than a pigeon!
Thirty years ago, you went out, I wish.. in my wildest dreams that I was there with you.
You died immediately. Thirty years ago Dad. you were t-boned by a car. I’ve been told by family members that I wouldn’t outlive my father, well here I am. 3 years on this rock I have outlived him. Some days I feel so bad. I want him, I want my father. But, that’s not something that I can ever do, and it pains me every single day.
I wish I was there with you."
The ‘family’ tells me that I am just like you. I think we would be getting tattoos and earrings. We’d be living happily. I cherish family; even though they don’t cherish me back.
One day, I will hold onto that longing forever. ‘You go your way, I’ll go your way too.’ That was written by one of my Hero’s. Leonard Cohen. His Poetry Book. It is The Book of Longing.
I love you so much Dad. I know life isn’t fair. I do know that. But sometimes, just sometimes I cry so much wishing I could lean on your shoulder. Smelling you, our crazy half mix hair. Messing it up, laughing together, crying together, anything.
You know they always say wrong place, wrong time, And for the last sixteen years
I wished I was was there, because getting a 4 month old takes time to settle into the
car. Maybe if I were there then that wouldn’t have happened.
Every year I write when October meets an end, the most painful month of all. Soon it will be over and I’ll wait another year to memorialize you. Since it seems I am the only one who writes about you. I am not ashamed of my pain, suffering, the ‘if only’s, you know.
It kills me inside that I never got to have one conversation with you. Maybe when you held me I cooed and I am sure I wanted to say “I love you Daddy”. People have told me over the years that you really did love me and when I was born I was the apple of your eye. I long for that to be true, I guess with us the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
I’ve gone my whole life hearing “isn’t she just like him?!'“ and “the bone structure, just everything screams… him… When I got into my mid 20’s I’d catch my mother looking at me and when I asked her what, she would say. “You just look so much like him.” As the years passed and things happened I would hear the same sentence come out of her mouth. This time with bitterness and a vindictive, sharp tongue. I couldn’t change the way I looked. I was just… me. I felt bad for the way I looked. hen I turned 14 or 15 years old I dressed in all black, I pierced my face, my ears. 9 on my face, 2 on my chest and 1 on my bellybutton as well as 1 on my hip. My ears were covered in metal. Looking back now, as it’s been over a decade I didn’t want to look like me. I wanted to be unique and I craved my mothers love, attention, her affection and her warm, perfect hugs. I think everybody thought I was going through a phase- I was not. I was going through a transformation for myself and hopefully my mom too. I have always felt like the black sheep of my family. I am the scapegoat and the one that everyone loves to make judgements about. Inferences here, more assuming there. IT WAS SICKENING. WHY COULDN’T THEY LET ME BE THE ME I WANTED TO BE??
I’ve thought about ending my life since I was 9 years old. It boils my blood that I got the raw end of the deal. Everybody saw it. My beautiful Grandmother (Nanouche) and my Auntie too.
How could a parent so easily toss one child aside like trash and the other be put on a pedestal? Again, I Know life isn’t fair. But, when is it my turn to catch a break? When do I get what I want? Does that even happen?
With grief in my heart, these tears will make me into a stronger and more resilient person. Even if I have nobody to share this with. I know you’d be proud, Dad.
xo, Love your Daughter,
Khalina
© Khalina Hosein. 2021, All Rights Reserved.
Sending warmth & love Khalina 💕 Keep writing 🤍